Spittin' on Death

Dead. A common word with a very final meaning. While I do believe in the afterlife, it is still an end to this world. The only world that we consciously know. In my job I am faced with death more often than most. Be it an expected death, a sudden and tragic catastrophe, a reckless decision, an accident with no rhyme or reason, or the sudden failure of your heart or lungs; I have seen it all. Death generally invokes only negative feelings. Sadness, despair, hurt, pain, depression... at least to the general public. But not always in my world.


Being in the medical field, death is almost routine. Death happens and there are many times that no matter how hard you try, or no matter what you do, death is still imminent. It sucks. And while it is sad and tragic, we (particularly EMS personnel) can not dwell on it. This does not make us cold, uncaring, or lack compassion. It just is what it is. If we took everything we see on a daily basis to heart, you would never have paramedics on the street for very long. There would be a mental facility that contains drooling, babbling, helmet wearing ex medics.


If I could have a dollar for every time someone has said, "I don't know how you do what you do", I definitely not be sitting here typing this. I would be laying out on a beach with the wind blowing my hair, the warm sun on my skin, tasting the salt in the air, sipping a cold drink with a little umbrella stuck in the..... oh, sorry, tangent. Anyway, whenever someone says that to me I always reply with the same answer. "Well to be honest you have to be a little bit crazy to do this job. But some people are made for it, and most are not". I usually get a chuckle out of that from my patient and then I continue asking intimate questions about their bodily functions. 


Most people do not think of their own mortality. Especially when you are young because you don't think it will happen to you, or that you have plenty of time left. But guess what? It will and you may not. I was suppose to learn that lesson several years ago. But guess what? I didn't. Denial denial denial.


My son was born in the Spring of 2007. While I was on FMLA from work, I decided it would be a great time to get caught up on all my routine doctor visits that I had been putting off. Mainly the dermatologist. I had never been to one before because I never had the need for one. But there was this freckle on my leg that I finally had to admit to myself, was a little too dark. Like black. It was only the size of a pencil tip, if that. How long had it been black? Years. At least two to three years that I count back to. So I go to the dermatologist, they remove the freckle, and a suspicious looking mole on my back. I go home and don't think anything of it.


I guess a week or so later I get a voicemail that says they have the results of my biopsy and to give them a call back to discuss my results. At this point I'm at home alone with a screaming three week old demon baby that had undiagnosed silent reflux. Needless to say, I didn't call them back. I figured they would just mail me the results. I honestly wasn't very worried about it. A week or so later I get a letter in the mail from them and I assumed it was my results. It got tossed in the pile of mail on the counter for several days. When I did finally open it, it was not my results quite like I expected. Instead it said I needed to call their office immediately in reference to my results. F***. Nothing like the feeling of dread when making that phone call.


As I am sure you have already guessed by now, those results were not peachy keen. The suspicious mole on my back was fine. The black little freckle, not so much. The "freckle" was called melanoma in situ. Which basically means the stage before it's technically called melanoma and also means that it has not penetrated past the skin. It does mean however that several days later a chunk of meat will be taken out of your leg and require a plastic surgeon to stitch it back together leaving an ugly little scar. 


I'm a paramedic. I don't know all the different types of cancers and their stages or what their survival rates are. I knew melanoma was a skin cancer and that was it. I wasn't too concerned about it... until I Googled it. Not only is it a skin cancer, but it is the most aggressive form of skin cancer. And not only is it the worse kind of skin cancer, but it is the one that can spread rapidly and the more it spreads, the less likely you are to survive the next five years. Comforting isn't it? Imagine reading that while holding your three week old baby boy in your arms.


After the removal of the chunk of meat from my leg, the margins were clean, technical term for they got it all, and life went on as normal. Minus I was to stay out of the sun, wear sunscreen whenever I am outdoors, and follow up with my dermatologist every six months. Sounds simple enough, right? Not. I was 28 and a beach bum. However, for the first two years I was fairly compliant. The first summer I did not go to the beach, or a pool, or hang about in the sun. But that was because I had a newborn at home who was about as predictable as the stock market. The next summer I attempted the beach and the pool... but I had a toddler who was off like a horse in the Kentucy Derby anytime you set him down. So for another summer I stayed out of the sun, mostly. 


As they say, old habits die hard. Now my son is a beach bum as much as I am and we spend a lot of time outside in the sun. Plus, I became pasty white in those summers out of the sun. Let's be honest, tan fat looks better than pale pasty white fat. This past summer I was at the beach a lot with friends and my son. And I actually did wear sunscreen...SPF 4. Heh. In the back of my head there was the voice tsk tsk-ing at me. I knew I shouldn't be laying outside in the sun for hours. I knew I shouldn't be getting a nice golden deep tan. I knew I was playing Russian Roulette. Did it stop me? Nope.


A couple months ago I noticed a freckle on my leg right above my ugly little scar. And I honestly can't tell you if its been there my whole life or not. But the fact that I've actually noticed it leads to believe that it it's either 1) darker or 2) bigger. I'm thinking both. Any normal person would of course make an appointment with their dermatologist to get it checked out and get it cut off if you need be. But nuh uh. Not this girl. Why? Denial denial denial.


I will eventually make an appointment with the dermatologist of course. Hopefully one day soon I will learn that I can't just ignore my problems and hope they will go away. But for now, I guess I'm just spittin' on death.  

This Mom is a Cupcake Ninja!

I am a Cupcake Ninja! Well, that's the name of my imaginary bakery at least. The imaginary bakery I will never own because cupcakes truly are just a hobby, not a passion. Although I do seem to have a passion for eating them.... However, to make these ridiculously easy Halloween cupcakes, you don't need mad baking skills or an insane amount of time. I volunteered to make cupcakes for my son's fall festival and I wanted to make some fun and unique cupcakes but I did not want to spend a lot of time and effort because after all, these are preschoolers wer're talking about. They wouldn't appreciate my infamous Pink Champagne, Red Velvet, or Key Lime Pie cupcakes. So I spent some time on Google and looked at hundreds of pictures of cupcakes. I picked out these four designs because they seemed to have the best results with the least effort. And because these are kids pallets we are talking about, these are all done with box cake and canned forsting. Call me lazy, I don't care. But after seeing these cupcakes my four year old said I was "the bestest cupcake making mom ever"! None of theses cupcakes are my original idea. Just my interpretation and copy of ones I have seen. So keep on reading if you want to be that mom (or dad) that all the other mom's are jealous of because your cupcakes are so much better!

Worms in Dirt Cupcake

What you need:

• Box of chocolate cake/Devils's Food Cake mix and ingredients listed on the box
• Cupcake liners (dark color works best)
• Chocolate frosting
• Chocolate cookies or graham crackers
• Gummy worms

Bake boxed chocolate cake or Devils's Food cake as cupcakes as directed on the box. (Or of course you can make your own homemade recipe.)

While the cupcakes are baking (or you can do it in advance), you need to make "dirt". To make the dirt, you will need to crush up some sort of chocolate cookie. Most people crush up Oreo's, however I would have been forced to eat the cream out of the middle of each cookie so I used Nabisco's Chocolate Wafers. I was initially going to use chocolate graham crackers but the store I was in didn't have any. Place the crushed up cookies in a bowl.

Once the cupcakes have cooled, use an angled spatula to spread your choice of chocolate frosting over the top and exposed sides of the cupcake. I would suggest not using a "whipped" kind of frosting because it could lose its shape for the next step. (I learned this lesson on the Pumpkin cupcake). I also say an angled spatula because they are by far the easiest thing to use to frost a cupcake. If you don't have one, go buy one. 

I would suggest putting the dirt on each cupcake as soon as you frost it in order for the dirt to stick better. Place your cupcake lightly on its side in the bowl and roll it in the dirt. Make sure to shake the bowl some if you can see the bottom of the bowl through the cookie crumbles. Then lightly roll the top all around in the dirt. There may be places that the dirt didn't stick, so just sprinkle some over the bare spots and lightly pat it down. If your cupcake starts to lose its shape from the rolling, you can easily just pat it back into the desired shape.

Finally, you can use whatever kind of worm like candy you want. I chose the sour gummy worms because of their bright color. You can arrange them whatever way you would like, however I chose to stick them down in the cupcake for transportation purposes so the worms would not be falling off while driving down the road. I used the end of a ball point pen (not the tip!) to poke short holes into the cupcake and the worms fit perfectly into the hole.

Spider Cupcake

What you need:

• Box of chocolate cake/Devils Food Cake mix and ingredients listed on the box
• Cupcake liners (dark color looks best)
• Chocolate frosting
• Large container of chocolate sprinkles. (I think black sanding sugar would look good too!)
• Black licorice rope
• Cinnamon Imperial Candies

Bake boxed chocolate cake or Devils's Food cake as cupcakes as directed on the box. (Or of course you can make your own homemade recipe.)

Once the cupcakes have cooled, use an angled spatula to spread your choice of chocolate frosting over the top and exposed sides of the cupcake. I would suggest not using a "whipped" kind of frosting because it could lose its shape for the next step.  

Pour the chocolate sprinkles in a bowl. Place your cupcake lightly on its side in the bowl and roll it in the sprinkles. Make sure to shake the bowl some if you can see the bottom of the bowl through the sprinkles. Then lightly roll the top all around in the sprinkles. There may be places that the sprinkles didn't stick, so just drop some over the bare spots and lightly pat it down. If your cupcake starts to lose its shape from the rolling, you can easily just pat it back into the desired shape.

Place two cinnamon imperials in the place of eyes.

Cut the licorice rope into whatever length you want and stick them into the cupcake. To get the spider leg look, I suggest sticking the licorice just above the cupcake liner/bottom of the muffin top. If you are using a regular cupcake carrier, you may have to place the legs when you get to your destination. Unless your spider has short stubby legs, they won't all fit in the carrier. Also, don't forget a spider has 8 legs!!! I saw a lot of spider cupcakes online that did not have the correct number of legs. 

Pumpkin Cupcakes

What you need:

• Any flavor of boxed cake mix. (I used yellow cake)
• Any white/light color of canned frosting or orange frosting if you can find it. (I used cream cheese)
• Orange frosting paste or orange food coloring (I prefer and recommend the paste when coloring icing and you can find it in any craft store such as AC Moore/Michael's.)
• Orange sanding sugar or sprinkles
• Tube of green icing with a leaf tip (optional)
• Twisted stick pretzels (I used Snyders Honey Wheat Sticks)
• Cupcake liners
• Tooth pick or skewer
• Piping bag with a small round tip, or a plastic quart size bag.

Bake boxed cake mix as cupcakes as directed on the box. Of course you can make your own homemade recipe. I think a pumpkin spice cake would be perfect for these cupcakes! Of course my kid won't touch pumpkin anything. Little does he know what's missing!

While the cupcakes are cooling, mix the orange coloring paste and frosting together. You do not need a lot of the paste to get a vibrant color. Add a small amount at a time until you get the desired color.

Once the cupcakes have cooled, use an angled spatula to spread the frosting on the top and exposed sides of the cupcake. When you start to frost, make sure you use a large dollop on top to give it the rounded shape of a pumpkin. I would suggest not using a "whipped" kind of frosting because it will lose its shape when doing the next step.

Pour the orange sanding sugar into a bowl. Place your cupcake lightly on its side in the bowl and roll it in the sprinkles. Make sure to shake the bowl some if you can see the bottom of the bowl through the sprinkles. Then lightly roll the top all around in the sprinkles. You need to try and roll the cupcake as lightly as you can in order to keep the shape. There may be places that the sprinkles didn't stick, so just sprinkle some over the bare spots it and very lightly pat it down. If your cupcake starts to lose its shape from the rolling, use the spatula to lightly pat it back into shape.

Using a tooth pick or wooden skewer, starting from the top, roll the tooth pick/skewer down to make indentions in the frosting like those on a pumpkin.

On this next step I used the little tube of orange colored gel found on the baking isle. I suggest not doing this because it looks kind of weird. Instead, place some of the orange frosting either in a piping bag or a plastic quart sized bag with the tip cut off one of the corners. Pipe thin lines of icing down each of the indentation on the cupcake.

Cut or break the pretzels into bite size pieces and push down into the top to make the pumpkins stem.

I decided the cupcake needed something extra, so using the premade tube of green frosting, I added leaves using the leaf tip. (Can be inexpensively bought at any grocery store in the baking isle.)

Monster Face Cupcakes

What you will need:

• Any flavor of boxed cake mix. (I used yellow cake)
• Any white/light color of canned frosting. You will probably need two if you're making a more than a dozen. (I used vanilla)
• Any color of food coloring/coloring paste
• Different candy, icing, gels, etc for decorating.
• Cupcake liners
• Piping bag with a grass tip (#233)

Bake boxed cake mix as cupcakes as directed on the box.

While the cupcakes are cooling, mix whatever colors you decide to do with the frosting. You do not need a lot of the paste to get a vibrant color. Add a small amount at a time until you get the desired color.

Once the cupcakes are cool, frost the cupcakes using the grass tip (#233). If you've never used a grass tip, it is ridiculously easy. These cupcakes were the first time I've ever used one! (So ignore the monster in the back right corner, he got dropped.) 

Here is how to use the grass tip (from the Wilton website):

• Fit the piping bag with grass tip # 233 and fill 1/2 full with medium consistency icing. Hold the decorating bag 90° straight up; the tip should be 1/8 in. above surface. 

• Squeeze bag to form grass. Pull up and away when icing strand is long enough (about 1/2 inch) stop pressure and pull tip away. Grass will be neatly formed only if you stop squeezing before you pull tip away.

• For a more natural look sometimes pull tip slightly to the right or left, in stead of straight up. Remember to keep clusters close together so cake does not show through.

Once you have the cupcakes frosted, make whatever kind of faces you want with whatever kind of decorating elements you have on hand. Have fun with it and let your kids help!

My Top 10 Reasons Why Being a Boy's Mom Rocks.

My Top 10 Reasons Why Being a "Boy's Mom" Rocks!

10. Boy parts.

Yep, I said it. The penis. Thanks to it I can dodge a stream of pee like a ninja. All babies have those horrible blow outs. You know, where poop is everywhere from the shoulder blades around to their belly button, sometimes higher. With boys, clean up is so much easier. No folds or extra holes for that poop to hide. And we can't forget potty training. Boys can pee anywhere!

9. Clothes

It is a fact. There are 10 times the availability of girls clothes than boys clothes. But after the first year, its ok! All you need are jeans a t-shirt! You hand a boy an outfit, he puts it on. Done. No multiple outfit changes. No tantrums over what they think matches. And most importantly, no pink, no hair bows, no tutus, and no accessories.

8. Whining/Drama

There is nothing that irritates me more than that high pitched nasal whiny voice that a lot of girls have! Argh! I'd rather scrape my finger nails down a chalkboard. Boys do whine, however it is not very often, short lived, and much more manageable. When a group of girls get together, drama. When boys get together, NO drama! Boys run from drama. Teenage years will be tremendously easier on me than my "girl mom" counterparts.

7. Potty humor

Little boys find anything related to their butt, penis, poop, pee pee, smells, sounds, actions, etc to be extremely hilarious. Have you ever been around a little boy who farts, starts laughing, and is then laughing and farting at the same time? They won't stop laughing until the run out of gas, literally. And oh how proud they are when the get a loud burp out! We all know they never grow out of it, so you might as well laugh right along with them. Consider it disgustingly cute.

6. Forts

Really this needs no explanation! Who doesn't love making and playing in a fort?!

5. Play hard or go home.

I was a tomboy growing up. I did play with dolls, and barbies, but I was also obsessed with my brothers Lego's, Playmobile sets, and race cars. I still get to play dress up because boys like to dress up too. However they wear underwear on their head, ugly masks, super hero costumes, capes, hats, cowboy boots and carry around swords or guns made out of virtually anything. Everything is one big contest. Who can get down the stairs the fastest, who can build the tallest tower of blocks, who has the fastest car, who has the most stars on Angry Birds, etc. And just when you think you have won, he will go and change the rules on you. It's all about trucks, trains, airplanes, and super heros. No squealing at the slimy and grimy. Give them a pile of dirt, a stick, and a backyard and boys are entertained for at least an hour. Boys have a fascination with the world that must be explored. Watching my little boy explore the world inspires me to do the same.

4. Fear not!

Boys are loud, have high-energy, love to wrestle, fight, jump off couches, play super heroes, try dare devil moves, and are very rambunctious. Little boys take a tumble and get right back up. Little dirt, little blood, little problem! Bumps, scrapes, bruises are all in a days work. When they get themselves into a problem, they will adamantly find a way out by themselves. "I got this Mommy."

3. Little boy kind of love

Getting love from my little man is the best feeling in the whole world. Little boys love differently. They give you slobbery kisses and their hugs usually start with a running leap. If you lay on the floor – game on! You will probably get jumped on, tackled and a knee to the face. But its always out of love. One minute you are snuggling on the bed, the next you are wrestling and tickling him to where he laughs so hard he can hardly breathe and then back to snuggling to catch his breath. To your little boy you are the only woman in the world that matters.

2. A boys laugh

Little girls giggle, but little boys laugh! Their laugh starts deep down in their toes and grows in their belly until it bursts out of their mouth, loud and unrestrained. They laugh easily and at the most random things. A little boys laugh is full of genuine joy and always infectious.

1. A little boy is a momma's boy, forever.

I will always have a special place in my little boys heart that no other woman can ever replace. I'm lucky to be in the stage where I am everything to my little boy. So much so that sometimes it can be smothering. But I know in ten years it won't be the same. That little boy won't place 20 kisses all over my face, throw his arms around my neck while watching cartoons, begging me to let him sleep in my bed, slipping his hand in mine as we walk, saying "I love you mommy" many times a day, or tell me I am the bestest mommy ever just for handing him a drink.

A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest.
- Irish proverb

Well I see I wrote an Ambien induced blog a little bit ago. Totally don't remember that one! I do want to get back more into blogging because it is cathartic for me, however I never seem to allow myself the time to just sit down and type. Or when I do think of something creative and witty it is at the most inopportune times! However I do have a funny little story to share.

A few things I learned on my walk this morning:

• It is your own damn fault for whatever happens if your iPod is so loud that you can not hear someone coming up behind. Especially if that someone is a toddler who has some kind of siren sound box on his tricycle.

• Old women still reek of perfume while "exercising"

• If a brand new, obviously uncompleted playground is being built and has yellow caution tape around everything, you probably should not be letting your tiny child be playing on it. Further more, if the yellow caution tape is blocking the multiple ways to climb onto the equipment, you probably shouldn't be undoing it so your child can climb up there.

• If the newly paved walking path is just barely big enough for a vehicle, you stupid young ignorant male county workers should not be driving on it leering at the girls walking/running and therefore causing them to come around the corner in the wooded section of the path and end up face to face with a full size pick up truck coming right at you. Thus causing you to jump off the path into the bushes. How about going and putting that yellow caution tape back up?

• Contrary to popular belief (mainly mine), I do not scream like a bitch and run when I see a snake. Instead I stand completely frozen in terror and watch it until it is completely out of site while at the same time suffering sinus arrest followed by a run of V-Tach. It does however help you to decide to end your walk much quicker and not go the full three miles you intended upon.

Hello bloggity blog. I will began blogging again shortly. I'm going to use my blog as a venting place for me while I try to get myself back to the eating and physical health I was at a year ago. I think I am going to give one of those fad diets a go. But as its already 20 minutes past my bed time and I have to be at work at stupid thirty... I don't have time to read into it, much less blog about it. So stay tuned! Fat girl is making a move towards not being a fat girl!

Wow...

So after two years I've found this long forgotten blog. Now I have to decide, should I keep blogging for the entertainment of my friends... and because I do find it somewhat cathartic.... or just let it go? I'm going to have to sleep on that.