Realizations

Over the past few weeks I've had many realizations about me and life. They usually come when I'm lying in bed, tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep. Or when I have any resemblance of quiet time to myself without any distractions. Like my 5 minute commute to work. None the less, here they are!


1. I am a fat ass. A lazy fat ass.
This isn't anything shocking or new to me. I've been "big boned" since high school. Not fat, but not skinny. I put the weight on in college and my early 20's. I've gotten some off before, but never enough. I've done Weight Watchers 3 times. It works. I just get bored. I weigh more now than I ever have before. I weigh more today than I did on the day that I gave birth to my son. I've got to do something about it. You would think that this would be my rock bottom and I'd be completely motivated to change my lifestyle. I'm not. But I'm trying to get there.


2. I don't love my job.
I am a paramedic and I have been in EMS for 8 years. I like my job, but I do not love it. I hate waking up and remembering, I work today. I use to love my job, back when I was a new paramedic. That wore off quicker than I expected. It's not all because of the job itself. A large part is because I'd rather be at home with my baby boy, than at work. I thought I wanted to be a nurse when I grow up. Now I'm not so sure.

I like my job because:

• I'm not stuck in an office.
• I meet someone new several times a day.
• I actually make a difference in some peoples lives.
• I enjoy learning and growing in the medical field. I learn something new almost every day.
• The pay is okay for not having a college degree.
• I get to exercise my brain with problem solving skills.
• My partner is fun to be around and I'm stationed with some awesome firemen.

I hate my job because:

• I get verbally abused by strangers on a daily basis.
• My willingness to help is twisted for someone else's self service.
• A majority of the general public does not respect me and my profession as a whole.
• I'm at work for 12.5+ hours. And usually too busy to pee.
• You have to eat what you can, when you can. Fresh, healthy, or hot food is hard to come by.
• The pay doesn't justify what I do. (All paramedics in general)
• The job induces road rage, stress, anger, and emotional numbness.
• My service treats its employees as a warm body on a truck. Not like a person with feelings and needs. EMS can't be run like a business of a political machine, but they try.
• I'm don't see my baby boy for more than an hour on days that I work.
• When I get home, I'm too tired to spend quality time with my husband.

3. Its a lot harder to make and keep friends as an adult.
That is one of life's lessons I've had to learn on my own. After college and since I've been out in the "real world", friends have come and gone. There are those that I'm saddened not to have in my life anymore. There are also ones that I realized, after the fact, didn't mean that much to me. I've realized that the friends you make in adulthood are usually over a single common interest. Your career, your children, your hobby, etc. If you take away that one common thing, would their still be a friendship? Sometimes I wonder. The older I get, the more I seem to distrust people. Life has made me that way. People have made me that way. That leads me to my next realization.



4. You will never escape high school. Ever.
What the hell people? In high school I had a blast! But I was ready to graduate and get the hell out of there! All I did was end up in the high school of life. People are still cliquish. There will always be a group where you just don't fit in. You will always (usually) be surrounded by "your people" and strangers are not welcome. Rumors and gossip... oh my God! It's worse now than when I was in high school! I work in a huge hospital. Full of medical and business professionals. And all they (and even me sometimes) do is gossip about EVERYTHING! You can't do anything without fear of it hitting the rumor mill or getting it turned and twisted into something it's not! I can't go anywhere without hearing something from the rumor mill! It's not just at work. Any organization I have been part of is the same way. Then you have the backstabbers and brown-noser's. As I said before, you can't trust anyone anymore. Why? Because there is always someone waiting around the corner to stab you in the back! A prime example is Wilmington Mommies, where I (please see my Mama Drama blog) was BANNED from the site because of one person's evil and conniving ways and because *whiiiiine* didn't like me or my friends. Grow up already. Maybe this pseudo high school stuff will get better when I get out of my 20's. But I'm dubious because I've seen how a lot of 30+ year olds act too.......it's everywhere!

I'm sure I've had more realizations than these simple 4. But that's all I could remember, and I don't have a whole lot of time to try and remember the others. I'll just have to settle for a part deux later.

Karma Got Me!

I almost died the other day. Okay, well maybe not really. But I could have been seriously hurt! I’ll tell you the story, but it’s going to be a little long winded because I need to paint the picture for you. So deal with it.

I am almost always running late in the morning on days that I work. Not because I hit the snooze one too many times, or because I spend too much time in front of the mirror. Please, I’m a paramedic. I don’t remember the last time I put on makeup for work. It’s because I have this stupid need to check my email and other web sites before work. Even if I’m running late, I still somehow convince myself that I have time to check my email. I usually get half dressed before I check my email. This includes my under shirt, EMS pants (with all my crap stuffed into the side pockets on the leg), my combat boots, and my belt with my radio clip on it. That way all I have to do is throw on my dress shirt, buckle my belt, and I’m out the door.

This one particular morning I didn’t feel like pulling my laptop out of my book bag where I left it overnight so I decided to run upstairs to the FROG where my ancient desktop computer resides. I figured I had about 5 minutes to spend checking my email, and MySpace, and Facebook…. No problem! A signed onto Google email and started scanning my emails when my friend Maria messaged me on Google chat. We were chatting along when I realized it had been 8 minutes already. CRAP! I had to go.

I had meant to send Maria an email the night before about a dog attack call that I went on that involved 2 pitt bulls. The patient had these dogs since they were puppies and has had them for years, one was 9 years old and the other was 3! The patient told me she heard her two dogs fighting in the backyard and went to break it up. Both dogs ended up turning on her and she had two nasty injuries, one requiring surgery. Anyway, Maria is an avid dog lover and is adamant about not discriminating against pitt bulls. Me, on the other hand, have been to many dog attacks in my 7 years in EMS and every one of them has involved a pitt bull. I just don’t care for them. I don’t trust them.

So before I signed out of GMAIL, I wanted to give her a little poke in the ribs about the dog attack. I sent her a quick synopsis, followed by, “I’m just saying…..” and exited out of the program. I laughed to myself and was thinking, Ha, so there you pitt bull empathizer, eat that! I headed down the stairs which are shaped like the letter L. I made it down the first flight turned the corner and then WHAM. Next thing I knew I was at the bottom of the stairs sprawled on the floor laughing my ass off. It hurt like hell, but it just too funny not to laugh at.

You see, what happened was…. As I turned the corner my belt buckle (my belt was unbuckled and my pants not buttoned or zipped) got caught on the banister. I turned my body to the side a bit to try and un-snag the buckle while still stepping down the step. That little turn to the side was just enough force to further pull on my pants and let them fall down around my lower legs. This ultimately caused me to go crashing down the rest of the stairs.

I got up and did a quick body scan. I was fine. Not even a red mark! But, there was a nice black scuff mark where my boot dragged down the wall. As I raced to finish getting dressed, grabbed my book bag and trotted out to the car I was thinking to myself, damn karma is a bitch!