I'm not a bitch, I just have a low bullshit tolerance. That's my new mantra. It's true though, I don't like being handed a pile of bullshit. I can see through bullshit like a brand new pane of glass. In the same hand, I can usually bust up any lie. My mom says I'm manipulative and I have been since day one. Sure, that can be a bad thing. But not always. It helps me at work by enhancing by critical thinking skills. I'm quick on my feet in almost any situation. It keeps my over analyzing everything, which can be annoying.. but I figure things out fairly quickly. Like when you're bullshitting me, or lying to me. I think it's funny when people say, I have no reason to lie to you. Because most of the time, it means: I have about 100 reasons to lie to you but I don't want you to suspect me of being anything but truthful. My trust is not given easily, freely, or naively. You have to earn it. And it takes a while.. especially if you tell me you have no reason to lie to me!
People who don't know me very well, or have only met me a few times may think I'm quiet and reserved. A lot think I'm a bitch. Apparently when I'm not smiling I look like a total bitch. Although the ones who really know me, know I'm far from that! They know that I have a tough outer shell and that I'm a big softy on the inside. I hate that character flaw about me. If you hurt my feelings, you won't know about it.. because I'll cry about it in private, then put on my brave face and act like everything is okay. Now if you piss me, you'll know! Quickly. Someone recently called me a firecracker. Am I really? I guess I do have a temper, especially where work bullshit is concerned. I'm not sure if being a firecracker is a good thing or not. *shrugs* People also say that I have an attitude. No, I AM an attitude. I am one big walking attitude. That is what makes me ME.
Another character flaw that you wouldn't think would be a bad thing, is that I will bend over backwards for any one of my friends. Especially someone that I care about. Almost always it's at the expense of my own happiness, or my own needs, or even my own wants. And lately that seems to be biting me in the ass. I get so exhausted from giving and giving and getting very little in return. I'm tired of being disappointed. Disappointment hurts. It's one of those things that makes me cry in private, then look at you in the eyes and smile and say every things okay. Eventually it may build up, and I have one of my bipolar days, where I'm quiet and thoughful.. or fuming on the inside, or I may just turn into a total bitch and bite your head off. You'll know you angered me... but you'll never know you hurt me.
Sometimes I want to just walk away from situations like those. The ones where I let people hurt me but then say it's ok, I understand. Or I'll get over it. But then something pulls me back in. Oh, yeah,it's my heart. Because I fucking care too damn much. One of my downfalls I suppose... my heart can be my best and worst trait. I lead with my heart more than my head.. hence my problems. My eyes really are windows to my soul... if you think you really know me, then you should know that already. You know how I truly feel by just looking in me eyes. (Right Sara?) That's the one thing I have never been able to master hiding from others. Damnitt.
I love it when I hear people call me a bitch. Who say I'm cold, abrasive,unapproachable... I just laugh because it's someone who hasn't taken the time to know me. Or has made assumptions about me. You know what happens when you assume... no no, you don't make an ass our of u and me, you just don't ever become my friend. Bitches.
Is there a point to this blog? Nope. I just have a bunch of crap on my mind and Jenn wanted me to update my blog... so there you go. Updated just for you Jenn!
