Lack of a blog.. and a Friday meme

I know I need to update my blog.. I WANT to blog!!! But I've sat here for over an hour (while being interrupted many times by my partner and annoying fire guys, who I love dearly of course (catch the sarcasm?). I just can't do it! What the hell is wrong with me? I started to blog about judging others but saw that it was quickly becoming hypocritical. Then I was going to blog about turning the big 3-0.. but my creative mind failed me again, not a whole lot to talk about there.

Although I did have a first time experience the night of my birthday bash. One of my good friends Lisa, who I won't lie wasn't exactly sober, got the bright idea to go to a strip club..titty bar.. whatever you want to call it. And I confess, I have never been to one. I've never had the urge to go to one. Nothing about one appeals to me. But after several begging and pleading drunken dances by Lisa, I agreed to go. A group of 10 us rolled up in there and got seated in the VIP section! (Its all about who you know!) Did I like it? Nope. Did I hate it? Not really, but I will probably never go back to one. However, I DID have a great time watching how much Lisa and Tim loved having other girls boobies in their face! I spent most of the night talking to Warren about the whole logistics of how a strip club operates. How sad is that?! Well at least now I have a reason why I don't care to go back to one!

Soooooo, since I can't find anything worth a damn to blog about, I found a Friday meme to do. Maybe my neurons will start firing, and I can actually produce a blog worth reading again soon!

The Friday meme is called Friday Fill In and is obviously self explanatory. Who didn't like playing Mad Libs growing up? Don't worry, I'm not tagging anyone! This is where the meme came from: http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/








And...here we go!

1. Angel or not, I will always love my baby boy.

2. Take me any way you want me.

3. As my mother used to say, you're full of crap.

4. I'm always thirsty after I'm done working out or doing something strenuous.

5. Even in the most crowded of rooms my heart can always find you.

6. Friday the 13th is a day fraught with peril.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to the great weather, tomorrow my plans include working and Sunday, I want to enjoy my time with Alex at the circus!

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Low Bullshit Tolerance

I'm not a bitch, I just have a low bullshit tolerance. That's my new mantra. It's true though, I don't like being handed a pile of bullshit. I can see through bullshit like a brand new pane of glass. In the same hand, I can usually bust up any lie. My mom says I'm manipulative and I have been since day one. Sure, that can be a bad thing. But not always. It helps me at work by enhancing by critical thinking skills. I'm quick on my feet in almost any situation. It keeps my over analyzing everything, which can be annoying.. but I figure things out fairly quickly. Like when you're bullshitting me, or lying to me. I think it's funny when people say, I have no reason to lie to you. Because most of the time, it means: I have about 100 reasons to lie to you but I don't want you to suspect me of being anything but truthful. My trust is not given easily, freely, or naively. You have to earn it. And it takes a while.. especially if you tell me you have no reason to lie to me!

People who don't know me very well, or have only met me a few times may think I'm quiet and reserved. A lot think I'm a bitch. Apparently when I'm not smiling I look like a total bitch. Although the ones who really know me, know I'm far from that! They know that I have a tough outer shell and that I'm a big softy on the inside. I hate that character flaw about me. If you hurt my feelings, you won't know about it.. because I'll cry about it in private, then put on my brave face and act like everything is okay. Now if you piss me, you'll know! Quickly. Someone recently called me a firecracker. Am I really? I guess I do have a temper, especially where work bullshit is concerned. I'm not sure if being a firecracker is a good thing or not. *shrugs* People also say that I have an attitude. No, I AM an attitude. I am one big walking attitude. That is what makes me ME.

Another character flaw that you wouldn't think would be a bad thing, is that I will bend over backwards for any one of my friends. Especially someone that I care about. Almost always it's at the expense of my own happiness, or my own needs, or even my own wants. And lately that seems to be biting me in the ass. I get so exhausted from giving and giving and getting very little in return. I'm tired of being disappointed. Disappointment hurts. It's one of those things that makes me cry in private, then look at you in the eyes and smile and say every things okay. Eventually it may build up, and I have one of my bipolar days, where I'm quiet and thoughful.. or fuming on the inside, or I may just turn into a total bitch and bite your head off. You'll know you angered me... but you'll never know you hurt me.

Sometimes I want to just walk away from situations like those. The ones where I let people hurt me but then say it's ok, I understand. Or I'll get over it. But then something pulls me back in. Oh, yeah,it's my heart. Because I fucking care too damn much. One of my downfalls I suppose... my heart can be my best and worst trait. I lead with my heart more than my head.. hence my problems. My eyes really are windows to my soul... if you think you really know me, then you should know that already. You know how I truly feel by just looking in me eyes. (Right Sara?) That's the one thing I have never been able to master hiding from others. Damnitt.

I love it when I hear people call me a bitch. Who say I'm cold, abrasive,unapproachable... I just laugh because it's someone who hasn't taken the time to know me. Or has made assumptions about me. You know what happens when you assume... no no, you don't make an ass our of u and me, you just don't ever become my friend. Bitches.

Is there a point to this blog? Nope. I just have a bunch of crap on my mind and Jenn wanted me to update my blog... so there you go. Updated just for you Jenn!

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Buzzed and blogging...

Earlier this afternoon I felt the urge to need some mommy juice..aka alcohol. I managed to wait till after dinner to down a few. No I'm not a damn alcoholic. Ever since becoming a mom, I rarely ever get the chance to just relax, have a drink, and be me. So it didn't take many bitch beers tonight to get me buzzing! Ahhhh to be back at ECU...*sigh*... With my wifely duties done, and my husband snoring contently in the other room, I'm finally free to sit here buzzing and be ME!


I've had a lot of things on my mind lately and apparently alcohol makes those thoughts whirl through my head like a tornado! Isn't it funny how things can change so quickly? I'm not talking about tragedies that happen in a blink of an eye, or natural disasters. I'm just talking about every day life. How things that once seemed so important are no longer that important. Or how you felt about something or someone has completely changed. It happens gradually but then WHAM it's right there in your face and you are left wondering, when did that happed? Is the grass really greener on the other side? Or does it just look really green, but as soon as you step on it, it turns to shit? Am I happy or am I just content?

Don't worry, I'm not depressed, or throwing a pity party.. that's not me at all!! I'm just sitting here wondering out loud...or wondering on the keyboard.. or whatever. Blogging....pfft...why the hell do I blog? Oh yah, because it's suppose to be therapeutic. But so are bitch beers!

I'm lucky that I have a best friend that I've known since I was 12. She knows me, really knows me. I love that I can tell her what's in my head..what I'm thinking, decisions I make, feelings I have.. and she doesn't judge me. I know she will be there for me no matter what stupid decisions I may make. She's the one who knows when I'm really angry, even when I smile and swear that I'm not. She's the one who knows my moods and handles them like a pro. She's the one who gets my sense of humor and laughs at my hyper antics. I'm lucky and I know it.

I trust her 100%. But I have other friends that I want to trust like that. I want to believe that they have good intentions. I want to believe that they're not after certain things. I've been burned before for being too trusting. But I want to be happy. And if trusting this person makes me happy, then shouldn't I?

I learned recently from another friend that personal happiness needs to come first. He made a life altering decision in order to gain true happiness. He doesn't like what happened, or how it happened, or who it hurt. But he's finally truely happy. I understand what he did and why he did it. I just can't seem to do it for myself. On some levels, I feel like putting my happiness in front of others is selfish and irresponsible. But I want to be happy.

I'm turning 30 in about six months and I'm not upset, or bummed about it. I'm ready to see what my 30's hold in store for me and I'm ready to leave the 20's behind! I'm happy with the person I have become. Sure, there are some things that still need work, like my fat ass! But for the most part I'm content. I speak my mind and I don't take shit from anyone. I'm a smart ass and know I can come off as the ultimate bitch. Sometimes I come off as a hard ass, but really I just have a tough shell and am a big softy on the inside. I love to have fun, and enjoy life. I love to smile. I'm giving and I'm compassionate. My true friends know that I will bend over backwards to do anything for them. But what I don't know is, am I happy? Am I truely happy?

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