Buzzed and blogging...

Earlier this afternoon I felt the urge to need some mommy juice..aka alcohol. I managed to wait till after dinner to down a few. No I'm not a damn alcoholic. Ever since becoming a mom, I rarely ever get the chance to just relax, have a drink, and be me. So it didn't take many bitch beers tonight to get me buzzing! Ahhhh to be back at ECU...*sigh*... With my wifely duties done, and my husband snoring contently in the other room, I'm finally free to sit here buzzing and be ME!


I've had a lot of things on my mind lately and apparently alcohol makes those thoughts whirl through my head like a tornado! Isn't it funny how things can change so quickly? I'm not talking about tragedies that happen in a blink of an eye, or natural disasters. I'm just talking about every day life. How things that once seemed so important are no longer that important. Or how you felt about something or someone has completely changed. It happens gradually but then WHAM it's right there in your face and you are left wondering, when did that happed? Is the grass really greener on the other side? Or does it just look really green, but as soon as you step on it, it turns to shit? Am I happy or am I just content?

Don't worry, I'm not depressed, or throwing a pity party.. that's not me at all!! I'm just sitting here wondering out loud...or wondering on the keyboard.. or whatever. Blogging....pfft...why the hell do I blog? Oh yah, because it's suppose to be therapeutic. But so are bitch beers!

I'm lucky that I have a best friend that I've known since I was 12. She knows me, really knows me. I love that I can tell her what's in my head..what I'm thinking, decisions I make, feelings I have.. and she doesn't judge me. I know she will be there for me no matter what stupid decisions I may make. She's the one who knows when I'm really angry, even when I smile and swear that I'm not. She's the one who knows my moods and handles them like a pro. She's the one who gets my sense of humor and laughs at my hyper antics. I'm lucky and I know it.

I trust her 100%. But I have other friends that I want to trust like that. I want to believe that they have good intentions. I want to believe that they're not after certain things. I've been burned before for being too trusting. But I want to be happy. And if trusting this person makes me happy, then shouldn't I?

I learned recently from another friend that personal happiness needs to come first. He made a life altering decision in order to gain true happiness. He doesn't like what happened, or how it happened, or who it hurt. But he's finally truely happy. I understand what he did and why he did it. I just can't seem to do it for myself. On some levels, I feel like putting my happiness in front of others is selfish and irresponsible. But I want to be happy.

I'm turning 30 in about six months and I'm not upset, or bummed about it. I'm ready to see what my 30's hold in store for me and I'm ready to leave the 20's behind! I'm happy with the person I have become. Sure, there are some things that still need work, like my fat ass! But for the most part I'm content. I speak my mind and I don't take shit from anyone. I'm a smart ass and know I can come off as the ultimate bitch. Sometimes I come off as a hard ass, but really I just have a tough shell and am a big softy on the inside. I love to have fun, and enjoy life. I love to smile. I'm giving and I'm compassionate. My true friends know that I will bend over backwards to do anything for them. But what I don't know is, am I happy? Am I truely happy?