Bittersweet

Sometimes the best feeling in the world can be bittersweet.


Last night after coming come home from work, I was pleased to find my baby boy stilk awake! After changing into some comfy clothes I went into the living room where my husband and son were playing. When Alex saw me he got a huge grin on his face and did his little drunken monkey walk towards me. (He's just started walking.) I got down on his level and he threw his little arms around me babbling all kinds of nonsense. I thought this has to be one of the best feelings in the world. Just writing it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy!


Later that night as I was lying in bed, still on my happy high of playing with Alex, I started to let my mind wonder. I should have known better. My pessimistic mind is usually up to no good! I was thinking about my warm fuzzy feeling, when the realization that it would not last forever started to creep over me. Alex will grow up. Hugs and kisses will be "gross" and "not cool", or even embarassing. Even worse, he will eventually leave the house and those rare hugs or kisses will be few and far between. So much for my happy high. Depression rolled in like an early morning fog.


What the hell is wrong with me? Alex is only 11 1/2 months old and here I was over a decade down the road! Then I started thinking about my parents. I was once their baby, the same drunken monkey walking bundle of joy, hugging their legs. How often do I hug and kiss them now? Not often. Never with the enthusiasm of a child. I wonder if they miss that. Or is it just something you grow out of as your relationship changes with your child? Do they still remember it, and the warm and fuzzy feeling? Do I even want to know the answer? No.


Even though I managed to depress myself before going to sleep I did learn an important lesson. Stay in the present. Don't look forward and don't look back. Before you know it, right now is the past and the future is the present. I'm going to get as many hugs and kisses from my little guy that I can. There is no feeling better then his big dimple smile directed towards me with his little arms wrapped around my heart. No matter how bittersweet it may be.