Realizations

Over the past few weeks I've had many realizations about me and life. They usually come when I'm lying in bed, tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep. Or when I have any resemblance of quiet time to myself without any distractions. Like my 5 minute commute to work. None the less, here they are!


1. I am a fat ass. A lazy fat ass.
This isn't anything shocking or new to me. I've been "big boned" since high school. Not fat, but not skinny. I put the weight on in college and my early 20's. I've gotten some off before, but never enough. I've done Weight Watchers 3 times. It works. I just get bored. I weigh more now than I ever have before. I weigh more today than I did on the day that I gave birth to my son. I've got to do something about it. You would think that this would be my rock bottom and I'd be completely motivated to change my lifestyle. I'm not. But I'm trying to get there.


2. I don't love my job.
I am a paramedic and I have been in EMS for 8 years. I like my job, but I do not love it. I hate waking up and remembering, I work today. I use to love my job, back when I was a new paramedic. That wore off quicker than I expected. It's not all because of the job itself. A large part is because I'd rather be at home with my baby boy, than at work. I thought I wanted to be a nurse when I grow up. Now I'm not so sure.

I like my job because:

• I'm not stuck in an office.
• I meet someone new several times a day.
• I actually make a difference in some peoples lives.
• I enjoy learning and growing in the medical field. I learn something new almost every day.
• The pay is okay for not having a college degree.
• I get to exercise my brain with problem solving skills.
• My partner is fun to be around and I'm stationed with some awesome firemen.

I hate my job because:

• I get verbally abused by strangers on a daily basis.
• My willingness to help is twisted for someone else's self service.
• A majority of the general public does not respect me and my profession as a whole.
• I'm at work for 12.5+ hours. And usually too busy to pee.
• You have to eat what you can, when you can. Fresh, healthy, or hot food is hard to come by.
• The pay doesn't justify what I do. (All paramedics in general)
• The job induces road rage, stress, anger, and emotional numbness.
• My service treats its employees as a warm body on a truck. Not like a person with feelings and needs. EMS can't be run like a business of a political machine, but they try.
• I'm don't see my baby boy for more than an hour on days that I work.
• When I get home, I'm too tired to spend quality time with my husband.

3. Its a lot harder to make and keep friends as an adult.
That is one of life's lessons I've had to learn on my own. After college and since I've been out in the "real world", friends have come and gone. There are those that I'm saddened not to have in my life anymore. There are also ones that I realized, after the fact, didn't mean that much to me. I've realized that the friends you make in adulthood are usually over a single common interest. Your career, your children, your hobby, etc. If you take away that one common thing, would their still be a friendship? Sometimes I wonder. The older I get, the more I seem to distrust people. Life has made me that way. People have made me that way. That leads me to my next realization.



4. You will never escape high school. Ever.
What the hell people? In high school I had a blast! But I was ready to graduate and get the hell out of there! All I did was end up in the high school of life. People are still cliquish. There will always be a group where you just don't fit in. You will always (usually) be surrounded by "your people" and strangers are not welcome. Rumors and gossip... oh my God! It's worse now than when I was in high school! I work in a huge hospital. Full of medical and business professionals. And all they (and even me sometimes) do is gossip about EVERYTHING! You can't do anything without fear of it hitting the rumor mill or getting it turned and twisted into something it's not! I can't go anywhere without hearing something from the rumor mill! It's not just at work. Any organization I have been part of is the same way. Then you have the backstabbers and brown-noser's. As I said before, you can't trust anyone anymore. Why? Because there is always someone waiting around the corner to stab you in the back! A prime example is Wilmington Mommies, where I (please see my Mama Drama blog) was BANNED from the site because of one person's evil and conniving ways and because *whiiiiine* didn't like me or my friends. Grow up already. Maybe this pseudo high school stuff will get better when I get out of my 20's. But I'm dubious because I've seen how a lot of 30+ year olds act too.......it's everywhere!

I'm sure I've had more realizations than these simple 4. But that's all I could remember, and I don't have a whole lot of time to try and remember the others. I'll just have to settle for a part deux later.