Friday, March 14, 2008

Realizations

Over the past few weeks I've had many realizations about me and life. They usually come when I'm lying in bed, tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep. Or when I have any resemblance of quiet time to myself without any distractions. Like my 5 minute commute to work. None the less, here they are!


1. I am a fat
ass. A lazy fat ass.
This isn't anything shocking or new to me. I've been "big boned" since high school. Not fat, but not skinny. I put the weight on in college and my early 20's. I've gotten some off before, but never enough. I've done Weight Watchers 3 times. It works. I just get bored. I weigh more now than I ever have before. I weigh more today than I did on the day that I gave birth to my son. I've got to do something about it. You would think that this would be my rock bottom and I'd be completely motivated to change my lifestyle. I'm not. But I'm trying to get there.


2. I don't lo
ve my job.
I am a paramedic and I have been in EMS for 8 years. I like my job, but I do not love it. I hate waking up and remembering, I work today. I use to love my job, back when I was a new paramedic. That wore off quicker than I expected. It's not all because of the job itself. A large part is because I'd rather be at home with my baby boy, than at work. I thought I wanted to be a nurse when I grow up. Now I'm not so sure.

I like my job because:
  • I'm not stuck in an office.
  • I meet someone new several times a day.
  • I actually make a difference in some peoples lives.
  • I enjoy learning and growing in the medical field. I learn something new almost every day.
  • The pay is okay for not having a college degree.
  • I get to exercise my brain with problem solving skills.
  • My partner is fun to be around and I'm stationed with some awesome firemen.

I hate my job because:
  • I get verbally abused by strangers on a daily basis.
  • My willingness to help is twisted for someone else's self service.
  • A majority of the general public does not respect me and my profession as a whole.
  • I'm at work for 12.5+ hours. And usually too busy to pee.
  • You have to eat what you can, when you can. Fresh, healthy, or hot food is hard to come by.
  • The pay doesn't justify what I do. (All paramedics in general)
  • The job induces road rage, stress, anger, and emotional numbness.
  • My service treats its employees as a warm body on a truck. Not like a person with feelings and needs. EMS can't be run like a business of a political machine, but they try.
  • I'm don't see my baby boy for more than an hour on days that I work.
  • When I get home, I'm too tired to spend quality time with my husband.

3. Its
a lot harder to make and keep friends as an adult.
That is one of life's lessons I've had to learn on my own. After college and since I've been out in the "real world", friends have come and gone. There are those that I'm saddened not to have in my life anymore. There are also ones that I realized, after the fact, didn't mean that much to me. I've realized that the friends you make in adulthood are usually over a single common interest. Your career, your children, your hobby, etc. If you take away that one common thing, would their still be a friendship? Sometimes I wonder. The older I get, the more I seem to distrust people. Life has made me that way. People have made me that way. That leads me to my next realization.



4. You will never escape high school. Ever.
What the hell people? In high school I had a blast! But I was ready to graduate and get the hell out of there! All I did was end up in the high school of life. People are still cliquish. There will always be a group where you just don't fit in. You will always (usually) be surrounded by "your people" and strangers are not welcome. Rumors and gossip... oh my God! It's worse now than when I was in high school! I work in a huge hospital. Full of medical and business professionals. And all they (and even me sometimes) do is gossip about EVERYTHING! You can't do anything without fear of it hitting the rumor mill or getting it turned and twisted into something it's not! I can't go anywhere without hearing something from the rumor mill! It's not just at work. Any organization I have been part of is the same way. Then you have the backstabbers and brown-noser's. As I said before, you can't trust anyone anymore. Why? Because there is always someone waiting around the corner to stab you in the back! A prime example is Wilmington Mommies, where I (please see my Mama Drama blog) was BANNED from the site because of one person's evil and conniving ways and because *whiiiiine* didn't like me or my friends. Grow up already. Maybe this pseudo high school stuff will get better when I get out of my 20's. But I'm dubious because I've seen how a lot of 30+ year olds act too.......it's everywhere!

I'm sure I've had more realizations than these simple 4. But that's all I could remember, and I don't have a whole lot of time to try and remember the others. I'll just have to settle for a part deux later.

12 comments:

The Immoral Matriarch said...

Well, I'd still be your friend if we weren't moms. I like *you*.

And let's go get not-fat together.

Robyn said...

I feel your pain!

Great blog.

If you are ever looking for a job change, the OPO has been hiring paramedics for coordination jobs.

Hope to see you again soon!

Kristie said...

I like "you" too, and I thank the Mama Drama for bringing us closer together!

PS-- Abigail is in her 40s, I think. And I am in my 30s. So clearly high school lasts well past the 20s...

SIGH.

Caffeine Court said...

Love this post...I can tell you're friends with Maria..you are both smart and hilarious and you know how to cut through the BS!

Your blog rocks-I'll be back often.

Temple said...

Abigail just looks like she is in her 40's. Sad.

Hey! Our distaste for her and our love for Maria are two more things we have in common!

It would be easier to quit smoking than to get rid of me.

Anonymous said...

I have talked to several moms and have determined this:

How high school is it that you form a group to talk maliciously about people behind their backs. And over two months later continue to do so, not only on blogs, but in public. You bash people for having cliques, but what are you guys. You need to grow the fuck up.

You all are nothing but a bunch of fat whiny ass two-faced bitches.

You have a small following of ignorant people who have never bothered to get both sides of the story. No one makes another to take sides; they CHOOSE to take sides (informed or not).

No one else even pretends that you exist. So you all need to just get on with your empty lives. If you can.

You all started this and NEED to finish it.

MizSassy said...

Initially I wasn't going to publish the above anonymous blog. The only reason I did was so my "ignorant followers" would have the chance to read it too. You write as if you are some authority on my life, yet you don't have the fortitude to identify yourself.

Let me get a few things straight for you.

1)I did not form any group to "maliciously talk about people behind their backs".

2)If you call a group a friends a clique, then yes I'm in a clique. Who isn't, in that regard?

3)Who is the one that needs to grow up? You called me fat. Seriously. I call myself fat. Boo hoo. Sticks and stones... laughing my fat ass off!

5)You are correct, there are two sides to every story! Too bad I never got the chance to present mine to who I needed to at the time. Instead my side is there for everyone to see. Where is yours?

5)"No one else even pretends that you exist". I would hope they are not pretending.. because I do in fact exist.. this is me responding to you...a human..existing. In fact my existence actually saves the lives of others. Funny how that works.

4)I am not two-faced. I will tell you what I think to your face. Always.

4)My life is the exact opposite of empty. You don't know me. Don't assume you do.

And more importantly Anonymous.. Out of that entire two week old blog, the only thing you could focus on was ONE sentence that dealt with my Mama Drama. One sentence. You see, I am over it. I have moved on. If people would STOP popping up and dragging this shit on I wouldn't have to waste my time responding to people like you.

Temple said...

Anonymous? Are you serious, you coward? Is this Reenie? One of her minions?

How wounded are we supposed to be when the best insult you can come up with is "fat"? 40% of us are not even fat. (That means 2 out of 5). As for the rest of us, we are aware of our girth, so...no surprise there.

We are not the hangers on. You all keep reading the blogs. You all keep popping up on Myspace and Facebook. You all create alternative websites and invite us to be on them. You all call us and ask questions. You all invite us to dinner.

You have made it so we can't trust anyone but each other. You have yourselves to thank for that. Are you mad because you can't break the circle? That is insecure and high school.

We have nothing to hide and no shame in our game. We answer people honestly about what happened TO us when they ask. We admit our truth.

You hide behind "anonymous" and TMN. You e-mail and PM each other with links to blogs and public sightings of us. If that is not a clique, then it must be a coven. Or a fan club. Stop lying and commit yourselves to pretending we don't exist. We will all be happier.

kristie said...

This is "HA"-larious.

"Grow the fuck up" says the person who is posting an anonymous comment on a blog she considers pathetic about a situation she considers pathetic. Hmmm. Pathetic.

The definition of the word IGNORANT is "destitute of knowledge or education." Our "followers" are certainly not ignorant. On the contrary, they're amazing, open-minded, and strong women who made their decisions objectively having absorbed all of the facts.

You call us "two-faced," but at least we show our faces. Why are you hiding yours? I would think that someone who uses powerful and mature phrases like "grow the fuck up," "fat whiny ass two-faced bitches," and "get on with your empty lives if you can" would want to stand up and say them proudly! Come on! Get credit for those gems!

Thanks for your astute remarks. Very enlightening. Maybe YOU should be a member of management... unless...

You are RIGHT-- talking behind others' backs IS so "high school." Or maybe it's more "middle school." What do you suppose the moms you've spoken with (behind our backs) would think about that?

"Shocking."

Verticaltriage said...

Anonymous....have you contacted your gynecologist about removing your head from your vagina so we may actually see your face?

The Immoral Matriarch said...

Alright - to be very plain about how I feel:

Show your face, give your name or shut the fuck up. Don't be such a cowardly cocksucker.

KTHNXBAI.

Karen said...

OMG! Are you kidding me?? I am just now seeing this, but holy hell. I agree with you ladies though, what a coward! If you have something to say then show who you are!!!!! I despise people that want to talk trash, but are too scared to say it to your face or put your name on it! GROW UP!!!!